"He who increases knowledge increases also suffering.” Authors as diverse as Ecclesiastes and Rousseau agreed on this point in polemics against education. Somehow I missed it until I had attained enough knowledge. heh.

"Where fun comes to die."
"Where if it's easy, it's your mom."
"Where the only thing that goes down on you is your GPA."
The proud heritage of the academy.

I have been much happier in the past few days since M. was taken off of the respirator and moved out of the ICU. In short, he has a way to go, but he'll make it. Now, I'm back to frantically trying to finish my degree (now with 2 weeks left and 35 pages to write).

I'm currently reading a fascinating article for my course on the Philosophical Foundations of Human Rights called "Redeeming the Human through Human Rights" by Talat Asad. The article is about "the way international law creates a situation in which the suffering that the individual sustains as a citizen - as the national of a particular state - is distinguished from the suffering he undergoes as a human being."

For example, "Financial pressures can have effects that are more far-reaching than many military adventures. But the devastation these pressures can cause to social life, and they punishments they deliver to citizens of an economically weakened state, cannot be addressed as human rights violations." Surprise! We get around our international failures in human rights by treating people as abstractions rather than human beings.

Thus, "Sacredness in the modern secular state is attributed not to real living persons but precisely to 'the human' conceptualized abstractly, or imagined in a state of nature. Every real person who belongs to a particular nation state is always subject to its institutional violence --including the violence of its law, and liable to military conscription that can result in his death."

Rhetoric is so amazing.

For those of you who don't know, my ex-boyfriend and close friend has been in the hospital for the past 3, going on 4 weeks. This past week, he nearly died from pneumonia and had to be put on a respirator. I have been spending as much time as I can with him, and as a result, I may not graduate this quarter. My life has been a series of losses these past 2 years, and it's hard to know why. Both parents diagnosed with cancer, the loss of my grandmother and uncle, a friend's suicide attempt, two men who weren't right for me, and now this. It's really taken the wind out of my sails, and is making it nearly impossible to finish this degree.

The one thing that has made this all more bearable is seeing the incredible people that care about M., who want him to come back, who are rooting for him the whole way.

I have these incredible dreams of cousins I've never met, nieces and nephews I'll never know, aunts and uncles I've never had and grandparents I'll never see again. My family is so very small, fragile and far away. At least I've created another small family of people through friendships, but it feels like we've all scattered. I want us to all come home, to live near each other again and to make something new. You pick the place and I'll be there.

Recently, I've realized that how often I've seen people I was dating has varied drastically from relationship to relationship, and at different times during a relationship. This has made me wonder how often it is healthy to see someone I date on a weekly basis, and whether my expectations are unreasonable.

So, I'm wondering: In a relationship in which you're not living with the person, how often do you see your significant other per week, given that you both live in the same area? What do you think is healthy at the start of a relationship? Once you're committed?

I hope these questions aren't too personal, and I don't require names. I also realize that there are no correct answers to these questions, but I'm just curious!

In a way, I am still between stages. I'm happier having visited the Northeast, but I'm still rather bad at keeping the promises I make to myself. Hence, no updates. Today is a day that will be full of fulfilling those promises. I will clean, decorate, welcome a new roommate, apply to 2 jobs and read Yogacarin philosophy so that I can finally finish this last, looming philosophy paper. Last night, I applied to graduate this quarter from the University of Chicago. I also determined what classes I will take this quarter, and to some extent, what direction I am prepared to head in my life.

I've decided to pursue either Environmental Science and Policy or Educational Policy for the PhD. Unfortunately, this means that I will have to start over with my education, in a sense, but I am excited about these prospects for several reasons: With a PhD in Environmental Science or Educational Policy, I could control where I live and work to a certain extent, because with these degrees, I would be able to work in industry, the government, non-profits or academia. They are both expanding fields with many job opportunities, and they both present opportunities to tackle some of the problems I see in the world that have most affected me. I still eventually want to work in academia, but while I look for a tenure track position, I will have options.
This last quarter, I've decided to take a class called Environmental Science and Policy, and perhaps one called School readiness: Child development and Public policy. I hope that these classes will give me insight into which career choice will fulfill me more in the long term.

I also have started making furtive, small steps towards dating again. I had a lovely date on Saturday night, which interestingly paralleled a dream I had the night before. Here's hoping...

Hi everyone,

I haven't updated in a while because life has been busy and complicated, and it has been difficult for me to report on anything more than once a week in therapy. I would like to start again, and to try to use this blog as an outlet for my writing. My writing has been progressing in fits and starts for years, and I finally have a job in which I have to write often and daily. I work as an admissions counselor for the University of Chicago. What this means is that I write interview reports after interviewing prospective students who are applying to the University of Chicago. It is a subjective and interesting process that has given me insight into people and has made me write my opinions more or less constantly. I hope to continue this process here, although I'm worried that I sometimes have rather negative things to say...but that's life. It's the darkness as well as the light, the decay as well as the birth. Progress is an illusion, and merely getting older does not a wise person make. The truth is that I'm rather lonely lately of my own accord. I'm not getting what I need out of people because I'm not getting what I need out of myself, and so I'm working on me as best I can. Part of this process is taking time off for travel.
For those of you who don't know, I will be in Boston on Friday at 5pm. I would love to see your shining faces. I hope life has been your oyster.

Group of dancers wearing Hammer Pants flashmob a trendy store and surprise hipsters in skinny jeans.

“Flipping pages in general, I get the impression that if you subtract individual desire from Western philosophy (and the negation of individual desire from Eastern philosophy), all you have left is mathematical set theory.” - Bruce Brooks

Hello Boston Friends,

I'm considering buying a cheap plane ticket to Boston this weekend, but first I need to know if its worth my while in terms of seeing people. So who is free to hang out this weekend from Friday morning to Tuesday? Any takers on who I could stay with? If I get a good response, I'll likely buy a ticket and take the ride...
miss you all still.

Heidegger! For the chapter heading: "The Anyone as the who of the being of with one-another in everydayness". She said whatnow?

Also, for beautiful pictures of Kasmiris, check this out

for some reason Harold and Maude struck a chord with me tonight. perhaps its because I secretly have a thing for cantankerous old laidies and re-affirming life in the face of teenage angst, but I found the movie to be rather hilarious. the movie's "psychoanalytic framing device" added nicely to the comic effect since the shrink seemed to be more reflective of Harold's mother than Maude, which gave the whole narrative a nicely meta feel. My favorite exchange in the film was:

( Read More - warning, spoilers )

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.

1. I have an incredibly vivid and active dream life, which often affects my waking life. Sometimes I have trouble deciding whether or not things in dreams actually happened right after I wake up. The good news is that I rarely have nightmares.

2. Animals of all kinds and children seem to have an odd affinity for me. Often times kids and critters who don't usually like strangers will take a fancy to me in remarkable ways. I've been told that I have a friendly looking face.

3. I have been an animal lover my whole life. I really wanted to be a veterinarian until I learned about the harsh realities of veterinary medicine in high school when I started volunteering at the local animal shelter.

4. Often times, I have strange psychic tendencies for predicting things like what someone will throw in a game of Ro Sham Bo, or what will happen in a given situation. I've had a few prophetic dreams as well, although they were mostly about mundane things.

5. I like playing sports, but I hate watching. My favorites are softball, tennis and ultimate frisbee.

6. I really enjoy dancing, and have learned several styles. These include: swing, salsa, cha-cha, waltzing and the charleston. I love watching other people dance as well, particularly if they look like they're really into it, and regardless of how bad they are at it.

7. My favorite beers are spicy and dark, chocolatey, Belgian ales or made with fruit. Recently, Michael gave me some amazing pumpkin ale that he made. The best beer I've had has been home or micro-brewed.

8. I don't tend to have single favorites of any kind, mostly because I'm moody and crave variety. I tend to have groups of favorites.

9. I go to the Philly Folk Fest every year, if I possibly can. Its a magical place, filled with good music, cheap beer, and psychedelic artistry.

10. I have a Hawiian baritone ukelele that I used to really enjoy playing until the bridge snapped off at the Philly Folk fest one year in 100 degree heat. I'm still trying to find a way to repair it. In particular, I need some clamps to hold the bridge on while the glue dries.

11. I like clamps, buttons and electronic gadgets.

12. The best book I read recently was Reason's Traces by Matthew Kapstein.

13. I think that people who want to speculate about history should just write fiction, or perhaps should write fiction in addition to their histories just so we know what they really want to have happened. I also think its sad that fiction is solargely under-appreciated by historians.

14. I'm way into Battlestar Galactica, so much so that I won't watch any of the new season until its mostly been released so that I don't have to wait to see the next episode.

15. I'm staunchly against internet regulation or censorship of any kind.

16. The best movie I've seen recently is Monster in a Box, with Spalding Gray.

17. Music is a big hobby of mine, although I haven't had much time to play any recently. Since moving to Chicago, I've acquired a large amount of new music and have been researching and talking to people about the history of elecronic music.

18. I love it when my friends share the music they make with me. Having a personal connection with them means that I have an immediate personal connection with their music, and there's something deeply meaningful about that experience.

19. I am going to San Francisco twice in the next 4 months: once for a wedding and once just because. Meet me there!

20. I'm in a monogamous relationship for the first time in 2 years, and I'm loving it.

21. Unfortunately, this means I can't slam-fuck your mom anymore. Or your sister.

22. Much like a super-hero, I'm willing to make great sacrifices for the good of the people.

23. If I get into the phd program, I might cut a mohawk and dye it purple.

24. Despite hating the winter, I've only moved farther and farther north since leaving New Jersey.

25. When I die at the ripe old age of 95 at my beach-house in Maui, I want my lover to be so sad about my passing that he decides to not attend his senior prom.

"Empty are the words of that philosopher who offers therapy for no human suffering. For just as there is no use in medical expertise if it does not give therapy for bodily diseases, so too there is no use in philosophy if it does not expel the suffering of the soul."
-Long and Sedley 1987: 155

"In this world, there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."
-Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan: act 3

I think I appreciate old Oscar even more with time.
::update::
Recently, I worked really hard on a paper about identity and the role of the first person pronoun "I" as articulated by Anscombe, Wittgenstein, Frege and Descartes. This was my first major foray into the wonderful world of analytic philosophy, and it made me hyper-pedantic and batty for weeks. Luckily, I finished the paper in time, and I think it turned out really well. Today I found out that my professor apparently agrees since he gave me an A in the class. I know I shouldn't care because it doesn't matter, but my GPA totally powns right now. :D

Also, I'm applying to the Divinity School and the application's due Monday. My adviser called my petition "eminently well-suited to the occasion", so I'm feeling pretty good about the whole thing.

Once I finish the 12 page paper that's due Thursday on the Bhagavad Gita, some drinking will certainly be in order. Look me up towards the end of next week!

And yes, Michael is still fucking amazing.

"If there are no questions, there are no answers. If there are questions, then, of course, there are answers, but the final answer makes the questions seem absurd, whereas the questions, up until then, seem more intelligent than the answers." --John Cage

‘In this cauldron fashioned from delusion, with the sun as fire and day and night as kindling wood, the months and seasons as the ladle for stirring, Time (or Death) cooks all beings: this is the simple truth’.
-The Mahabharata

Suddenly, there was nothing missing and it felt like there never was. Lately, I've been simmering in warm hugs, silly jokes and mutual mental masturbations. I feel as though I've won the boy lottery. he reminds me of what its like to be truly optimistic about the world, of why people are so worth it (ie: the right blend of independence, kindness, intelligence and fun). he studies sociology at my school and is as critical, curious and "meta" as I am. he loves film, music and books...and we know such different things that there hardly seems to be any potential for boredom. its all rather...perfect, and perhaps a little terrifying for that reason. there's nothing quite like this kind of excitement.

Also, this semester I am taking the most amazing classes...Indian Philosophy I, Yogacara and we're reading a Mimamsa sutra written by Shabarasvami in sanskrit! My paper on Wittgenstinian interpretations of identity via first person analyses is going quite well also. If only I could finish it...

In the past two weeks, I've been spending a lot of time with someone really special. Strangely, we met in the middle of the stress of finals, Thanksgiving and PhD application deadlines, but these things now somehow seem lighter. In the past two weeks, I've been smiling and laughing much more often, remembering what warmth, tenderness and chemistry feels like.

The funny thing is that when I acquired houseplants back in September, they were all flowering or some had never flowered. The flowers all died when part of me did a few months ago. Now, for some strange reason, ALL of my plants have begun flowering in the last week - even a plant that I didn't know could flower. This is totally inexplicable since it is now the dead of winter... but the truth is, these plants simply match my mood. Scarlett Begonias and purple blossoms in my red clover plant adorn my living room, stretching towards the light.